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So tired...

April 12th, 2007 (05:16 pm)

current mood: tired

I slept well, but feel like a wreck today. Tired, headachey. Plus, I have a general sense of ennui about work. Not that I’ve always felt pumped about my work. I’m good at it, my boss seems to value my contribution… but I’m only here because my path has led me here. Oh, and the pay is decent.

Lately, I’m getting asked to do stuff that seems just plain stupid half the time. Or if not stupid exactly, then unnecessary. And of course it’s all required immediately. Makes me wonder what else I could be doing instead. Like a took the proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque (is Bugs Bunny a proverb?).

I used to want to be a writer. And, technically, I write for a living. But I don’t write. I’m not one of those write-a-novel-in-her-spare-time types of people. I used to think that if only I had the right tools - oh say a nice shiny laptop of some sort - I’d be writing away. An unstoppable literary machine. But no - years ago I did buy said laptop (not so shiny now), and I even wrote a bit. Just enough to have me come to an understanding that books don’t write themselves. It’s work. And the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is work.

I’ve been reading a blog: dooce.com. The writer actually supports herself writing a blog. No wait - let me italicise that. She supports herself writing a blog! A blog fer fucks sake! Good for her. And she’s actually an entertaining read. But I don’t imagine I’d be supporting myself writing a blog, or writing anything else other than briefing notes and legal specs.

Still, I have these flight fantasies. Typically, these used to involve me picking up stakes and engaging in menial labour while riding across the country on a motorcycle. A suddenly fit, tanned, strong, silent, lesbian drifter. Now it’s more along the lines of moving to rural Ontario with S and being a stay at home mom. Basically, being a kept person. Maybe doing some woodcarving in my spare time ( ha - a stay at home mom with spare time, that’s funny!).

What I really need is a vacation.